Do's and Don'ts for Difficult People Wanting to Change Part VI: Complaining

And now…the ever-present complainer…some people are naturally adept at finding something to gripe about or to put a negative spin on. Complaining is one of the biggest turnoffs in social relationships. It can take the form of actual complaints about things, general negative comments, an unpleasant tone of voice, labels we attach to ourselves or to other people, or just a general negative attitude.

Complainers can clear a room, as who wants to stick around and listen to them? Other people have their own sets of problems, and listening complainers should not be one of them. The combination of complaints with the tone of voice that usually goes with them are irritating and makes people not want to be around the complainer.

Becoming less of a complainer can start with not exaggerating negative feelings. Instead of waking up not feeling your best and saying, “I feel horrible”, it’s more pleasant to the ear and to the message we give our brain, to say something like, “I’m a little under the weather, I’m sure I’ll feel better later today.” This changes the entire tone of what we are saying, and can actually have the affect of people wanting to help us instead of wanting to get away from us.

One of the biggest negative results of being a complainer, is that it can create a pattern of thinking and acting. Before we know it, one complaint segues into a series of complaints that become the norm in how we think and act. This almost always affects personal and professional relationships.

Do's and Don'ts for Difficult People Wanting to Change Part V: Self Maintenance

Recognizing old behavior patterns as they creep up is a necessary part of self-growth. Setbacks should be an expected occurrence. Setbacks give us the opportunity to increase our self-awareness and fine-tune our interpersonal skills. The worst thing a person can do is take a set-back as a failure. This is often where self-growth stops, because that’s when a person believes they have failed. Trying again seems out of the question.

To better recognize setbacks, it’s important to be self-aware, but to also listen non-defensively to people who notice a change in us. Our instinct might be to get defensive, but those wanting to be the best they can be can look at it as an opportunity to improve. Setbacks are negative when people deny them, get overly discouraged, don’t have a plan on learning from them, and see them as irreparably undoing their progress.