Do's and Don'ts for Difficult People Wanting to Change Part VI: Complaining

And now…the ever-present complainer…some people are naturally adept at finding something to gripe about or to put a negative spin on. Complaining is one of the biggest turnoffs in social relationships. It can take the form of actual complaints about things, general negative comments, an unpleasant tone of voice, labels we attach to ourselves or to other people, or just a general negative attitude.

Complainers can clear a room, as who wants to stick around and listen to them? Other people have their own sets of problems, and listening complainers should not be one of them. The combination of complaints with the tone of voice that usually goes with them are irritating and makes people not want to be around the complainer.

Becoming less of a complainer can start with not exaggerating negative feelings. Instead of waking up not feeling your best and saying, “I feel horrible”, it’s more pleasant to the ear and to the message we give our brain, to say something like, “I’m a little under the weather, I’m sure I’ll feel better later today.” This changes the entire tone of what we are saying, and can actually have the affect of people wanting to help us instead of wanting to get away from us.

One of the biggest negative results of being a complainer, is that it can create a pattern of thinking and acting. Before we know it, one complaint segues into a series of complaints that become the norm in how we think and act. This almost always affects personal and professional relationships.

Do's and Don'ts for Difficult People Wanting to Change Part V: Self Maintenance

Recognizing old behavior patterns as they creep up is a necessary part of self-growth. Setbacks should be an expected occurrence. Setbacks give us the opportunity to increase our self-awareness and fine-tune our interpersonal skills. The worst thing a person can do is take a set-back as a failure. This is often where self-growth stops, because that’s when a person believes they have failed. Trying again seems out of the question.

To better recognize setbacks, it’s important to be self-aware, but to also listen non-defensively to people who notice a change in us. Our instinct might be to get defensive, but those wanting to be the best they can be can look at it as an opportunity to improve. Setbacks are negative when people deny them, get overly discouraged, don’t have a plan on learning from them, and see them as irreparably undoing their progress.

Do's and Don'ts for Difficult People Wanting to Change Part IV: Self Awareness

In keeping with the theme of self-awareness and being easy to get along with, it’s imperative to be aware that words can hurt feelings, even in jest. It’s never safe to assume that people know when we are joking with them. Even if our intentions are benevolent, one person’s humor may be another person’s heartache. We should never assume people share in our sense of humor.

A seemingly harmless comment can hit a nerve with someone, and we would have no way of knowing this ahead of time. We must be sensitive and aware of how our words and actions are perceived, because a person’s perception is their reality. If a person is made sad by purple polka dots, then we should not make jokes about purple polka dots, as insignificant to us as it may seem. Walking into a room where no one is talking and saying, “hey, who died?” is a perfect example of this. A tactful person should make the assumption that perhaps someone did die.

It’s important when striving to be a less difficult, more likable person, to not get too comfortable in any situation. This applies to work, family, and relationships. We might not think we need to set boundaries with family and friends, but just because these are less formal relationships than our work relationships, doesn’t mean they should be given less credence. This can take the form of monopolizing conversations, being selfish, minimizing people’s points of view, talking over them, and acting in any other way obnoxious.

It’s especially critical to watch ourselves in love relationships, because it is these relationships in which we can get very comfortable very quickly. One good self-check would be to ask of oneself, “am I still the person he or she loves? Have I changed in any way for the negative? Have I made hurtful comments, even in jest? Would I speak to a new partner the way I speak to my current one? Do I still possess the qualities that drew me to him or her?” If there’s any doubt, it’s time reel ourselves in for a self-checkup. Otherwise, people risk slipping back into old and unhealthy ways of relating to people.

Do's and Don'ts for Difficult People Wanting to Change Part III: Perception is Reality

Another life lesson of note to acquire is to be perceptive and intuitive. That expression, “take a hint” is one of the most important ones we can heed. While some people will confront us when we’ve said or done something they don’t like, most will not. Most will tell someone else (such as our boss) instead of confronting us directly. They may also behave in more passive aggressive ways to avoid a direct confrontation.

One way a person might let us know they are upset with us is to drop subtle hints. It’s important to be aware of when someone might be dropping a hint, especially if that hint is dropped jokingly. Hints dropped jokingly are often the most serious, as the person addressing the offender must be sufficiently angry or annoyed to express it directly, and is trying to think of a tactful way to do so. Even though they are expressing themselves in a passive manner, they are still trying to convey a message. We must be aware of when it is happening.

We must also be aware of the danger of overanalyzing. We must be perceptive, but not overly sensitive and paranoid. This is where balance comes in. Most of life’s successes come from employing a sense of balance. If we find ourselves reading into and picking apart what we think are subtle hints being dropped, we can drive ourselves crazy. It’s critical to be perceptive without becoming paranoid. We can think of this as a balancing act of walking a tightrope.

Do's and Don'ts for Difficult People Wanting to Change Part II: Overreacting

On the topic of overreacting…there is no point in being reactive. There is everything to gain by being proactive. This can be especially useful in our work lives. If we make a mistake at work, the worst thing we can do is allow ourselves to become upset about it. Even worse is if we show it, which will call attention to it. Calling attention to our mistakes at work is like holding up a banner that says “look at what a screw up I am.” Doing this puts negative ideas about yourself in people’s heads that might not have been there if you hadn’t called attention to them.

Often people will call attention to a mistake they have made because they want the verbal stroking from their supervisor or co-workers that “it’s okay.” This is great if we have really understanding bosses, but not realistic in this day and age where people are struggling to get ahead and survive. Calling attention to our mistakes makes them appear bigger than they are, and worse, we’re showing fear. We’re inviting negativity and criticism.

If we want professional respect, we must be proactive by correcting the mistake, setting a new model for improvement so that it doesn’t happen again, and simply not making a big deal over it. This sends a message of confidence, efficiency, and initiative.

Do's and Don'ts for Difficult People Wanting To Change Part I: Interrupting

I actually published and sold the following article on a writing website. I'll break it up into several posts to make for easier reading. They reflect negative behavior and thought patterns that were part of me since I was a child. Born with clinical depression, I felt bad from as long as I can remember. My personality formed into a judgemental, self-centered, self-absorbed, difficult, argumentative, nasty one; simply because I didn't know how to feel good. Once the medication was in place, I realized that the damage was done, and I had to undo it. That's the tricky thing about mental illness. It can be treated, but how do you treat what it results in?

This article is meant for people who are on a quest for self-improvement and fulfillment. These dos and don’ts can improve one’s life immeasurably. They can be useful for anyone wanting to change their negative behavior patterns for the long term to find greater satisfaction in their personal and work relationships.

People growing up in an unhappy home, those fighting emotional afflictions, and those whose life experiences are negative from childhood can “learn” to be unhappy early on. When a person feels badly from early childhood, their personality and behavior patterns are born out of negativity. This can make for a child learning to grow up as a selfish, judgmental, self-absorbed, over-reactive, manipulative taker, rather than an empathetic giver who has healthy boundaries.

It often isn’t until one has that “ah hah” moment that they really start to get it about life. This can be brought on by losing friends, alienating family, losing jobs, and problems in love relationships. If people can begin to recognize all of the ways in which they may be alienating others around them, they can begin to undo these behaviors. This article is a how-to for improving one’s life for people who feel that they are repeatedly banging their head against a wall.

One of life’s lessons is about interrupting. People who interrupt are often viewed as impolite, but interrupting sends a deeper message. When we interrupt someone, it’s as though we’re saying that what they have to say isn’t as important as what we want to say. Interrupting also creates the impression that we didn’t listen to or even care about what the speaker was saying, because we were concentrating on and preparing whatever we said that became the interruption.

An alternative to interrupting might be to make a mental note of what we want to say while we are actively listening. It should be simple enough for us to remember, but not so complicated that it affects our ability to listen to what the person is saying to us. If visualizing a magician’s hat will help us remember to interject at the appropriate time because the conversation is about a costume party, then we should use that visualization. It should be a quick mental note so that we can resume concentrating on what the speaker is saying.

If what we have to say is important enough, it will stick with us until it is our turn to speak. If we lose the thought, it will likely come back to us shortly. We should not sell the person who is speaking short by interrupting or by not fully listening to them. We wouldn’t want our points of view to be disregarded, so it’s important to not disregard theirs.

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What About Me???

The preceding entries were about Rob, Rob, Rob and how he consumes my life. And If I published older entries from 2006, they would be about my ex-husband Matt, Matt, Matt.

This is supposed to be a personal growth blog, so let me keep the focus on me. My new cognitive behavioral therapist wouldn't even let me talk about Rob when I saw her. It's not meant to be talk therapy. It's meant to be behaviorally based; which is good, because I'm sick of talking at this point.

I ordered a book about thoughts and feelings, a cognitive behavioral approach. This is invaluable in dealing with addiction. No amount of journaling, reasoning, redirecting, etc. is helping, and the addiction to relationships is getting worse. Any sickness can get worse if not effectively treated.

The first thing that jumped up at me from the book was "automatic thoughts." When something happens, our brain immediately registers it, often times not in a healthy way. I was able to use this automatic thought awareness and interrupt it this past weekend. I'm very hopeful that if I really dive into this book, I can get myself healthy and find a healthier person. Or even more unbelievably, be by myself!

Focus on Me

I'm still reading the book on addiction, and it is helping. My trigger seems to be the telephone. Hoping it will ring, when it rings hoping it's him, etc. I think also the lack of socialization is probably a trigger.

Now is the time to really start addressing the mental hygeine. It's a combination of medication, general therapy, addressing the addiction, and constant reminders of why I wasn't happy in the relationship. Maybe if I write these reminders in the diary and review them enough times, it will sink in. It does help when I look back at other entries and read the reminders why. Maybe doing that often enough will help me associate with the negative feelings the relationship caused me.

There are times that I begin to feel disconnected from him. But those times are also a trigger, because I don't want to feel disconnected from him. Or at least part of me doesn't. I'm not comfortable letting him fall off my radar. I'm afraid the feelings of loss will be too great. It's too much at once to let him fall off my radar yet. That's why I haven't deleted him from my phone. I don't know when I will. I'll have to really feel detached.

It will truly amaze me if he ever calls me again. If he's not doing well, it's certain that he won't. He doesn't want to involve me anymore, plus my presence seemed to facilitate him getting worse. I wasn't helping. So unless he gets better, which isn't likely, it's pretty much a done deal.

I have felt stirrings in the pit of my stomach periodically throughout the day. Feelings of wanting to call him. But I am acknowledging it for what it is. It's a fix I'm after. A fix is just that, a very temporary feeling of relief.

If I can conquer this crippling issue, it will go a very long way. It would also be nice to be able to be sad without having the sadness turn to hysteria.

I don't think I'm ready to say I'll never contact him again. I can't commit to that, even though abstaining from your addiction is what they say is the first step. It's more than I can tolerate.

To recap the reasons (and really try to get into the feelings it caused):


1. He's never happy.
2. The relationship can never move beyond where it was right now.
3. He has to remain in one part of my life while others in my life are in another part.
4. I felt like I had 1/2 a boyfriend. It was only half fulfilling, and many times, not even that.
5. We couldn't plan fun things like a normal couple.
6. We did not function as a normal couple in many ways.

Now think about specific instances and really try to get into how you felt:

How did it feel when you wanted to be intimate and he just couldn't. I have so much trouble actually feeling now what I felt then. I can't get my mind around it. I felt frustrated, but above all, like I was in an empty, hollow relationship. That was the recurring theme-an empty, hollow relationship. It's the empty, hollow feeling that I need to be able to feel.

How did it feel when he wouldn't or couldn't get better? It was frustrating and it felt like something was being taken away from me. I wanted him and I couldn't have him. It was frustrating and felt very unfair.

I think I'm going to ask House Rob help me with an exercise to get associated with the bad feelings Hospital Rob evoked in me. Maybe I need to sit in a chair and go into some sort of trance so that it becomes tangible. Maybe this is what I need to do if my feelings flip flop so much.

Let's say I'm in the relationship again, feel these feelings again, and then want out again. I'm going to remember these feelings that I have now as not so bad...until I break it off and then have to contend with the loss. Only this time, the being alone will be good for me, where staying in the relationship is very bad for me. But the point is that whatever bad feeling I have, I want to feel the opposite or I want the opposite situation.

Affirmations

I am responsible and in control of my own life. This means that it's not the mailman, waiter at the restaurant, my family, friends, people at work, lovers, etc., who are in control. I may not feel like I have control, but that's because I'm unable at the time to get control. I have to start truly believing that I have control. Right now I don’t feel like I have any control over my life, namely my career. But if anyone has control, it’s me.

I am the author of my own life. No one else is writing my story, I'm the author of my own story. Yes, things happen, but I can control my reactions and attitudes toward them. I can rewrite my own story. I can decide to react or not react and how to react. Today, for instance I could get really upset about not having anything to do, or I could just enjoy the day writing and reading. If I was feeling bad however, I’d be having an anxiety attack now. So I’m taking advantage of my good mood!

I can fully recover. The more I say this, the more real it sounds. A more realistic thing to say would be that I can get control over my illness. I am never going to be fully stable.

My life is good. My life is good. My life is good. Just keep repeating this one. If I said "my life is shit" over and over again, I'd start to believe that too. Although saying that my life is good really isn’t penetrating my brain too much.

I love myself unconditionally. Say this over and over again even though right now you don't feel it.

I can conquer my demons. Again, over and over again. Print these out as sentence strips and put them on the wall. Think about if I said the opposite. If I say over and over again, "there's no way I can conquer my demons", that would start to feel true after a very short while. So why shouldn't the opposite also be true?

Circumstances are what they are, but I can choose my attitude toward them. I could have chosen to look at the potential job at Beacon the way Rob and Rob eventually convinced me to look at it. If I'd been willing to look at it that way before, I might have felt differently. Next time, I should skip the drama part and use logical reason. Also, remember how I felt without a job. Is having a boring job so much worse? I’m at least getting paid to be non-productive. And it gives me a reason to get dressed in the morning. It will also allow me to pay bills and buy things. I can choose to look at this more positively.

I am not alone. There are people who understand me. Aside from family and friends, there are people in the support groups. If I go regularly, I'll have more people who understand me.

I’ve been reading back over all my entries, and they are very negative. I had to write about how I was feeling, but reading back over it over and over again isn’t good for me. I need to start writing about positive things. Perseverating over the negative isn’t going to help me. I have to make some decisions now with a clear head. Feeling useless is a terrible feeling. I feel like George Costanza.

The hardest part will be to see if this job picks up anytime soon. I don’t know if I can do this for three months. I think I should start putting out feelers in a couple of weeks. There’s no way I’ll be here long term if I’m not utilized. For them to say they’ll try to find things for me to do doesn’t give me great confidence. It’s demoralizing.

At least when I was a teacher, I made some contribution to people’s lives. Teaching someone to read or to multiply gives you a real feeling of accomplishment. Now I’m here and it really doesn’t matter. I’d be okay with that if they actually needed me. But they don’t, and I’m here 3 weeks now.

Bob assured me this would change. I remember how I felt at Lucent. I felt so useless. I was useless. The asshole I worked for knew I was sitting around all day doing nothing. He didn’t care. Why is it that when I arrive at a job after an admin has been there and been busy, is there nothing to do?

So what can I do about this? I can play the game. I can write positive things in my journal, walk around with a pad and pen, surf the net, and very discreetly read. If I’m caught, let them fucking say something to me. I will ask them if they actually expect me to sit and stare at the walls for eight hours.

I don’t like this Sheila person from Kelly. She’s a little abrupt and abrasive. She thought I was here a week, when it was actually almost three weeks.

I think I can be an admin, but I must be busy and needed. It’s never really happened for me at J&J. Is this a sign from up above? I’ve only been consistently utilized at permanent jobs. At Bizteque I was bored a lot, but read and surfed the net. And there was a real point to my being there. The position was necessary to run the company. So boredom didn’t bother me. I didn’t feel useless like I do now.

How the hell am I going to do this? I was tortured the same way at GPSG. Only my boss was always around there. Here, people leave me alone.

Given my instability, this type of job is not good for me. My mood is starting to go south. By the same token, I need to stabilize more before seeking out something permanent. It’s going to have to be a balance between stabilizing so I can look for something else and not allowing myself to lose it because I’m in an unsatisfying position.

Enough about what’s wrong. I have to find ways to make it right.
If after a month (because who are we kidding, there’s no way I’ll last three months like this) I’m not being utilized, I will contact the agencies again for temp to hire positions. Or even direct hire if it seems like a good fit. So on September 6th, I should start this process. It shouldn’t take months for a position to be utilized after a person starts. It shouldn’t even take a month.

I should take control of this situation now. J&J is clearly not the place I should take up residency at. I have the flexibility here to go on interviews. I should look at this as a very positive thing. It’s so easy to go into negative mode. I’m so used to going into negative mode.

I just drank 32 ounces of water and feel no urge to urinate. I’m majorly retaining. No bowel movement for the 4th morning in a row. I forgot to take the laxative last night. I felt stirrings this morning, but so far nothing’s happening.

I think I should guzzle all my water in the am. This way I’m sure to get 64 ounces per day. I’ve really been neglecting my hydration needs. I haven’t wanted to drink water. So I’m drinking it today, hopefully I’ll continue with drinking it tomorrow.

Realizing that I’m framing everything so negatively on a day when I’m in a pretty decent mood is helping. I can start using proactive statements.

Just to reiterate, if I am caught reading or surfing and they actually have a problem with it, I will raise the roof. How dare they say anything when they know I’ve been practically pleading with them for work? I will throw it in their face about their expectation of me sitting and staring into space for 8 hours. And I will tell Sheila off if I have to.

It’s 11am and I just got back from a 20 minute conversation with Rob. I’m starting to feel the ability to just be his friend. I have to. I can’t go to his house and I have to keep him at a certain distance. I’m going to go to social events and not let my life be dictated by what’s going on with him. Even if he improves, it probably won’t be for long, given his history. I can’t invest my emotions in him. I don’t like that he said I love you when we ended the conversation. I felt obligated to say it back.

Today is a pretty good day for some reason. I don’t mean that in a pessimistic way. I just mean that my mood is pretty good, considering how bad it’s been. I did call Rob compulsively, not even giving the feelings a chance to escalate. So it didn’t feel as compulsive as it has in the past, but was compulsive nonetheless.

I just had lunch and feel a little bad. Everyone sees me sitting all by myself, yet no one asks me to join them. I guess that’s a really unrealistic expectation. But I’d feel bad if I saw the same lone person day after day all by herself. I don’t think I look so unapproachable today. I guess that’s just the way people are. I don’t even know if I would introduce myself to someone I didn’t know, I’m not that outgoing.

So I don’t think I really want to go to the group tonight. I just feel like staying home and chilling. I’ll see if Rob wants to go. I don’t want him to not go because I’m not going.

Lunch was pretty successful today. I really could have used another burger and fries but I told myself to see how I felt after the salad. I had salad with egg whites, a roll, and the black and white cookie. I’m pretty satisfied. The cookie is junk, but at least I didn’t also have a hamburger and fries like I did yesterday.

It’s been 4 mornings in a row now that I haven’t crapped. I’m getting tired of this. I wish Ken wasn’t here so I could read my book. But at least I’m drinking my water.

I am starting to really accept the fact that Rob is not going to get better (of course, barring a miracle). He’s not going to get better anytime soon, and it’s destructive to pursue anything with him. I told him I have to keep some distance to keep it on a strictly friendship level. I accept that it’s never going to happen for us. I accept that. Maybe I don’t have to cut off all contact with him. But I can only be in his life from a respectable distance. I can’t go to his house or see him, because that’s how we segue back into romance.

I want to get out and meet people and expand the circle of people that are in m life. I must start going to NJYP events again. This weekend I’m going to go on the website this weekend and schedule some events for myself.

I really need to be romantically done with Rob. He’s going downhill again, so there’s no reason for me to think this is going to change.

I noticed today that I smiled at men today. I don’t have the stay away from me horrifying look on my face. I think I look pretty receptive today. I think if I just smile more, romance might come to me. It’s when I’m so miserable that it feels unattainable.

I kind of like Kevin, my student. He’s 25! He’s so cute though. I think I had a dream that he kissed me. I’m going to have to find a way to find out if he’s single. Last night I was thinking he would never be attracted to me. But that’s the negativity and low self esteem talking. If I project confidence, people will be attracted to me. It’s not just about my weight, although losing more weight will help.

Depressed Today

I’m depressed today. Once again, depression is gripping me. It’s because I feel unfulfilled in general. I miss Rob somewhat and don’t want to feel disconnected from him. But I know it’s ultimately for the best. I know he’s not doing well, and it’s better if I’m without him. If I called him and his mother told me he passed away, it would be back to the hospital and another nervous breakdown.

I’m feeling overwhelmed at this job already, probably due to my general depression, which leads to anxiety. Too much depression really does cause anxiety. I spoke with the Kelly person who was understanding, but doesn’t go for any bullshit. She basically told me I need to relax or I will have problems. She told me to stop trying to understand everything. I’m not a procurement expert, they already have people for that.

I just want to remain successful. The last thing I need for my mental health is to be at a job where I don’t do well and then get fired. I just can’t seem to feel better. I still find myself hoping he’ll call me so that I don’t feel such a loss. But I don’t think he will. He’s not concentrating on missing me. He’s consumed with his own misery.

If I spoke to him and it turned out he was doing better, I would attribute it to him being without me. I’d be upset if he was doing better, because then it would mean he was better without me. I feel so sad and empty right now. How am I going to get past this without trying to find someone else to run to?

Time is going so slowly here so far. I know I haven’t really started the job yet, so I should just relax. I feel incapable of getting any cleaning done or attacking the filing. All I want to do is go home and go to bed. How am I going to keep from calling him? He doesn’t want to hear from me. If I don’t call him, I’ll never hear from him again. He’s probably not even thinking about me.

I’m starting to feel detached from his phone number in my phone. It’s like I know he’s not going to call, so why is the phone number still in there? I clearly wasn’t making a difference in his life. I think he got much worse when he found out I got a job.

I miss him. I want to talk to him. I don’t know if I should take an Ativan, because I’m afraid the sadness is going to escalate. I’m sitting here crying at work, once again. Fortunately, no one comes by to talk to me yet. I miss him. I want to hear his voice.

Why? I was unhappy with him. I really was. How could I be happy with a relationship that couldn’t be full and normal? I know the best way to get over someone is to find someone else. But I don’t want that to have to be the solution like it usually is. Meeting Rob instantly took the pain of Matt away when the interest sparked.

I wonder what Rob’s doing right now. I’m really not functional today. Calling him would be a mistake, but I feel so empty inside. I feel so hollow. So unwanted. He doesn’t need me in his life, it doesn’t make a positive difference of any kind. I just want to go home. I feel so rejected. I really feel like it’s personal now.

He said we’d talk sometime down the road, but I really believe he’s never going to call me again. Even if the phone rings, I’ll be so scared it’s his mother to tell me he’s dead. Why do I have to feel bad so much of the time? Or at least it seems like so much of the time. I have things I could be doing here at work, but I’m so overwhelmed with bad feelings, I’m not doing much of anything other than writing in my journal.

Even if he feels better down the road, he’ll probably assume I found someone else or am otherwise not interested. As of last Saturday, he was going downhill. I want to go to his house tonight, but that wouldn’t be good for either on of us. It would be such a nice fix.

But picture doing that. Picture attempting sex to no avail again. Then it’s the frustration all over again, the unfulfillment. I don’t like this job. I just want to go home. Why can’t I just function as a normal person? It’s always something. If it’s not the job situation, it was Matt, if not Matt, not happy with Rob or just being in a bad mood because that’s the way I am.

How do other people with problems cope and put on a brave face in the workplace? How do they do it? Why do I find it so difficult? I’m probably being perceived as a downer, if anything at all.

I hope Alberto doesn’t come tonight. I have to call Kevin to tell him the internet’s not working, so that I won’t be able to have his disk tomorrow. I don’t want Alberto to come over, I’m not in the mood to get blasted with his horrible voice. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. That is if I don’t get bored of doing that.

I feel really rejected. I know he doesn’t dislike me the way Matt does. But I believe he has really disconnected from me. I’m probably off his radar. Even if he was thinking of calling me like he told me the last time, he probably won’t. Most people aren’t like me, unable to cope and let go.

I really don’t want to call that Andy guy either. He won’t be enough of a substitute and it’s not good for me to try to move on so fast. Can I get over this without staying in pain for an extended period? I don’t know. I don’t know if I should take an Ativan. It’s not really anxiety, it’s depression. I’m starting to feel the stirring of needing to call him, but it’s really not good for me to do that.

The fact that I’m alone and should be addressing my mental hygiene escapes me. All I care about is how I feel right now. I wish there was a place in the building where I could go and hide. The mornings go by so slowly for me. I think if I called Rob, it might make him angry. He knew I was sad and he’s letting me be sad because he has nothing to give.

If this has been going on for 5 years with him, why would it change now? He’s lost count of how many hospitalizations he’s had. Even if he gets a job, what are the chances that he’ll be happy and satisfied with it? It’s not that I wish it on him, but knowing he’s doing badly makes me feel less rejected.

Either feeling is bad. Being without him feels bad, being with him feels bad. So I might as well be without him and have my freedom. This way at least there’s a chance of me moving on with someone else.

I just want to feel that passion I felt with him. I know I had it with Matt, but it wasn’t such a visual physical attraction. Actually, it wasn’t visual at all, because Matt’s ugly. Of course it was there as soon as we had sex, but I want that instant feeling of attraction to get me out of my misery. I thought I’d never find intensity again after Matt and I did.

I really shouldn’t go to NJYP until I feel better. Or at least better enough to not sit there with a puss on my face. In February and March I could not go, or I would have just been sitting there crying. But when this eventually fades, then I really need to make the effort.

I’ll be really surprised if Andy calls me again. If he does, I’ll probably go out with him. He did after I left him a voicemail shortly after we made plans to walk. I said on the voicemail that I had some things I was dealing with and that I would call him at a later date to see if he still wanted to walk. He called me the week after. Then of course I cancelled plans with him. So we’ll see. I’m sure if I got to know him that something could develop. It just won’t be the instant pitter patter of my heart that I felt with Rob.

Maybe I’m just infatuated with Rob. Those lips, that face, that smile. That gorgeous dark curly hair. That voice. His laugh. Those are the things I miss about him. Aren’t those all physical things? What do I miss about him emotionally? Not much. Just the connection, which was very strong. But what was the connection based on? Physical attraction mostly. But also just an emotional connection. There really was a strong emotional connection. I can’t really explain it more than that. My desire to help him, his wanting to get better (at first)…

I would love for him to call me and ask me to come over. After the initial passion and attempt at sex, it would fail again and almost immediately cause him to go downhill for yet another reason. So other than a fix, what would be the point. I am addicted. He told me that the fact that he couldn’t be happy and make me happy made him feel bad. Why does he need that on top of everything else? At least if the intimacy was there, that would be one less thing to worry about, and it might even make him feel better by taking the edge off.

How much of this is normal in terms of what other people do? They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. To what extent is that normal or healthy? Definitely not to the extent that I take it. It’s really a cop out.

There’s no way I can be productive and get anything done when I’m this upset and depressed. I should try to stay in my cubicle or go for a walk so that my sour expression isn’t seen. I know I really look miserable. I’m amazed I wasn’t crying in Sheila’s office.

Should the medication prevent me from getting depressed when I have a real reason to be depressed? Probably not. I can’t expect to go through life without depression. No one does not experience depression when they are upset about something. There are life issues to be upset about. That doesn’t mean the medicine isn’t working. It means that it’s probably preventing me from completely losing it.

I feel unstable. Really unstable. Almost like the old Jen. Almost like I could run out of here. I did that with Celgene, but I didn’t feel like it was a poor reflection on me then. I was so sick, I guess I could only concentrate on how hysterical I was. And I quit in a very professional manner. Showing any kind of displeasure now would be inappropriate. It would seem really ridiculous and make me look bad.

Remember on the list of do’s and don’ts-don’t make a bigger deal out of things than are necessary. I have to remember my attitude when I was at PSGA-never show fear, don’t take shit from anyone, be professional and don’t cop an attitude, but let the subtle message get across that you are in control.

Every molehill seems like a mountain right now. I shouldn’t be asking any questions or trying to do anything yet. I have to wait until this horrible feeling of depression passes. I feel tired now, not crying, which would be the thing to lead to hysteria. I hope this depression lifts. I feel a slight lift in the last couple of minutes. Probably because it’s lunch time, closer to being able to go home. I don’t know why I want to go home so badly, I’m not happy there either. I’m bored and just watch tv.

I can’t even draw, I lost my ability. I think it would be so therapeutic to really learn to do portraits and draw realistic faces. Now that I’m working, I’ll have the money to take an art class. Maybe I should join that gym right by the house. Knowing me though, I probably won’t go.

I have to believe this feeling will pass and that I will feel better. I feel so depressed, that my face is hanging off my skeleton. My mouth is so down and my eyes are half closed. I think I’m going to go eat now outside and read the addiction book.

Well, I’m back from lunch and feeling crappy again. The temporary lift was just that, temporary. I miss going to Rob’s house. Why I cannot associate with the bad feelings of being with him, and can only associate with the miserable emptiness I feel without him, is beyond me. With Matt, it was like a see-saw. I had to feel somewhere in between having him and not having him. Either one of those feelings were something I couldn’t handle.

I guess that’s the borderline personality. I have to email Rob within the next month, even if he doesn’t call me. I just can’t stand the thought of him thinking I totally gave up on him. Plus, if I wait a few weeks, it won’t seem like I’m disrespecting his wishes.

I wish this day would end. I feel like going to the car and taking a nap, but I’d probably die of a heat stroke. I believe that once my parents are gone, I may very well take my own life. If I’m so unstable during normal life circumstances, how the hell would I handle something like that? I don’t think I could live without them. Pretty sad, since most people who lose their parents don’t kill themselves.

The internet at home isn’t working and the air conditioner is acting weird. I asked Rob to deal with it. He’s home and I can’t cope with anything right now. I just want my bed or the couch, a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee, and the television. I want to get the hell out of here and go home. These next two hours are going to be torture.

What am I going to do? How do I get rid of these bad feelings? I had a surge of non-depression right before lunch. I can’t say a surge of happiness, just a temporary relief from depression. Maybe eating lunch made me feel worse. I had two pieces of pizza and some peppermint patties. I’m glad I didn’t have that black and white cookie today. I don’t feel stuffed or bloated, so that’s good.

I was planning on maybe walking after I got home. But the way I feel now, there’s no way. I just want sleep. I’m sitting here at the desk just wanting to close my eyes. I really hope this job proves stimulating once I get going.

My cell phone just rang, and of course I was hoping it would be Rob. For all I know, he could be in an alcohol induced stupor. He’s not having a grand old time not speaking to me. Even on Saturday, he said he was going downhill. It would give me such a fix to talk to him. But it wouldn’t be good for me, just like drugs aren’t good for you. It’s not the answer to the problem.

In the addiction book, it talks about how you do have a say in the outcome of your addiction. I feel the paralysis it talks about, a victim of my addiction.

Destructive Patterns

I'm trying to prevent a breakdown this morning. I'm feeling depressed, anxious, hopeless, and helpless.

I reconnected with Hospital Rob, and it's a situation that can go nowhere. I'm afraid of hurting my family and of hurting myself, not to mention Rob.

Cognitively I know that I felt much worse without him in my life. Now I just feel a pervasive sense of misery, mostly because I have to keep it from my family for now. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do. Or I do know what to do and just can't do it. I should be by myself.

But if I tell Rob that, why the hell would he take me seriously? I can't stick to anything I say with relationships ending/not ending, whatever.

I don't want to go on this merry go round anymore. I feel horrible right now because I had sex with him under the wrong set of circumstances. He was there for me yesterday, which was nice. If I had just not come upstairs with him, it would have been fine.

Maybe I just need to accept that this is how my life is until I change it. Maybe not beat myself up about it. Accept my limitations and accept that it's going to take a long time to change my pattern.