Focus on Me

I'm still reading the book on addiction, and it is helping. My trigger seems to be the telephone. Hoping it will ring, when it rings hoping it's him, etc. I think also the lack of socialization is probably a trigger.

Now is the time to really start addressing the mental hygeine. It's a combination of medication, general therapy, addressing the addiction, and constant reminders of why I wasn't happy in the relationship. Maybe if I write these reminders in the diary and review them enough times, it will sink in. It does help when I look back at other entries and read the reminders why. Maybe doing that often enough will help me associate with the negative feelings the relationship caused me.

There are times that I begin to feel disconnected from him. But those times are also a trigger, because I don't want to feel disconnected from him. Or at least part of me doesn't. I'm not comfortable letting him fall off my radar. I'm afraid the feelings of loss will be too great. It's too much at once to let him fall off my radar yet. That's why I haven't deleted him from my phone. I don't know when I will. I'll have to really feel detached.

It will truly amaze me if he ever calls me again. If he's not doing well, it's certain that he won't. He doesn't want to involve me anymore, plus my presence seemed to facilitate him getting worse. I wasn't helping. So unless he gets better, which isn't likely, it's pretty much a done deal.

I have felt stirrings in the pit of my stomach periodically throughout the day. Feelings of wanting to call him. But I am acknowledging it for what it is. It's a fix I'm after. A fix is just that, a very temporary feeling of relief.

If I can conquer this crippling issue, it will go a very long way. It would also be nice to be able to be sad without having the sadness turn to hysteria.

I don't think I'm ready to say I'll never contact him again. I can't commit to that, even though abstaining from your addiction is what they say is the first step. It's more than I can tolerate.

To recap the reasons (and really try to get into the feelings it caused):


1. He's never happy.
2. The relationship can never move beyond where it was right now.
3. He has to remain in one part of my life while others in my life are in another part.
4. I felt like I had 1/2 a boyfriend. It was only half fulfilling, and many times, not even that.
5. We couldn't plan fun things like a normal couple.
6. We did not function as a normal couple in many ways.

Now think about specific instances and really try to get into how you felt:

How did it feel when you wanted to be intimate and he just couldn't. I have so much trouble actually feeling now what I felt then. I can't get my mind around it. I felt frustrated, but above all, like I was in an empty, hollow relationship. That was the recurring theme-an empty, hollow relationship. It's the empty, hollow feeling that I need to be able to feel.

How did it feel when he wouldn't or couldn't get better? It was frustrating and it felt like something was being taken away from me. I wanted him and I couldn't have him. It was frustrating and felt very unfair.

I think I'm going to ask House Rob help me with an exercise to get associated with the bad feelings Hospital Rob evoked in me. Maybe I need to sit in a chair and go into some sort of trance so that it becomes tangible. Maybe this is what I need to do if my feelings flip flop so much.

Let's say I'm in the relationship again, feel these feelings again, and then want out again. I'm going to remember these feelings that I have now as not so bad...until I break it off and then have to contend with the loss. Only this time, the being alone will be good for me, where staying in the relationship is very bad for me. But the point is that whatever bad feeling I have, I want to feel the opposite or I want the opposite situation.