Destructive Patterns

I'm trying to prevent a breakdown this morning. I'm feeling depressed, anxious, hopeless, and helpless.

I reconnected with Hospital Rob, and it's a situation that can go nowhere. I'm afraid of hurting my family and of hurting myself, not to mention Rob.

Cognitively I know that I felt much worse without him in my life. Now I just feel a pervasive sense of misery, mostly because I have to keep it from my family for now. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do. Or I do know what to do and just can't do it. I should be by myself.

But if I tell Rob that, why the hell would he take me seriously? I can't stick to anything I say with relationships ending/not ending, whatever.

I don't want to go on this merry go round anymore. I feel horrible right now because I had sex with him under the wrong set of circumstances. He was there for me yesterday, which was nice. If I had just not come upstairs with him, it would have been fine.

Maybe I just need to accept that this is how my life is until I change it. Maybe not beat myself up about it. Accept my limitations and accept that it's going to take a long time to change my pattern.